How to get closure after divorce – even if the truth never comes
Most women don't get closure after divorce, but it’s something we talk about in Women’s Divorce Academy – a lot. The person who ended it usually won't tell you the whole truth, and when you do find out what happened, it tends to leave you with more questions than you started with. What helps is getting it out of your head. Writing is one of the most effective ways to do that.
Key takeaways
Closure and the truth are two different things. Waiting for one to give you the other keeps a lot of women stuck for years.
Writing breaks the 10pm thought loop, because it moves the thoughts somewhere you can see them.
You don't need a daily journal. Ten to twenty minutes, when you need it, is plenty.
The research on writing about hard things is solid – three short sessions can make a measurable difference.
If it's been months or years and nothing is shifting, writing works best alongside a professional, not instead of one.
Why you probably won't get the truth
Just over 49,000 divorces were granted in Australia in 2025, according to the Australian Bureau of Statistics. The median marriage lasts 9.4 years before separation, and the median age at divorce for women is 44.4. That's a lot of women lying awake at night trying to work out what happened.
I talked about this with Rachel Smith on the podcast this week. Rachel's a journalist and copywriter who runs Rachel's List, and for years she was half of an anonymous advice column, reading letters from people in the worst weeks of their lives. She also runs Letter To My Ex, a website where thousands of people have written the letter they were never going to send.
She's read more heartbreak than most of us will in a lifetime. And she's blunt about closure.
"I don't think you ever really understand why the person who was supposed to love you did the things they did," she told me.
Sometimes they don't tell you to protect your feelings. Sometimes it's to avoid admitting what they've been up to. Either way, you're waiting for something that isn't coming. And Rachel has watched what happens when women go digging for it anyway.
"It just brought more pain and more pain," she said, about friends who went full detective. "And it took them further away from the peace that they were actually seeking."
I've seen the same thing over seven years of working with divorcing women. What women think will give them closure almost never does. Knowing what he got up to doesn't help. Understanding why he stopped trying doesn't help. Acceptance helps, and it's slower and far less satisfying than getting that answer.
What writing does that talking can't
You know the loop. Same thoughts, same time of night, over and over. Rachel calls it "all the monkey chatter in your brain, which you have when you're distressed and heartbroken."
Writing interrupts it. "I think the reason that writing works so much is it can give you that perspective and it can give you clarity," she said.
There's decent evidence behind that. Australian researchers Karen Baikie and Kay Wilhelm pulled together decades of studies on expressive writing for Advances in Psychiatric Treatment. People who wrote about a stressful or emotional event for 15 to 20 minutes, on three to five occasions, had better physical and psychological outcomes than people who wrote about something neutral.
Three sessions. That's it. No fancy notebook, no daily habit.
Rachel and I both confessed on the episode that we avoid journaling, even though we’re both writers. When you write all day, the last thing you want at 9pm is more writing. But it turns out that doesn't matter much. What matters is having somewhere to put it when it gets too heavy to carry around.
The website where people write the letter they'll never send
Letter To My Ex has been going for more than a decade. The letters are filed into categories that track the whole journey: what I wish I'd told you, it's over, move on, my awesome new life, still heartbroken, I wish you well, and just want to say sorry.
"A lot of the letters are very sweary, a lot of them are really sad, some are like hilariously funny," Rachel said. One she read out on the episode finishes with: "I want you to think about me, but I also want you to wake up covered by spiders."
(And man, we’ve all had that thought – or something similar, right!?)
The part Rachel didn't expect when she started the site was the community. People turn up in the comments to say they've been through the same thing and to offer each other support. She calls it "a really nice kind of website for a journey through heartbreak."
That counts for something, because your friends and family will run out of steam long before you're finished. A place where nobody's sick of your story yet and you don’t have to censor yourself is worth a lot.
Where to start when the page is blank
Blank page anxiety stops a lot of people before they start. Rachel's fix is to begin with a question small enough to actually answer.
| Prompt | What it's for |
|---|---|
| How am I feeling right now? | Naming it before you try to analyse it |
| What are the ten worst things that person ever did to me? | Getting the anger out |
| Pros and cons of being with them | Clarity, especially if you haven't decided yet |
| What am I feeling that I don't think I'm allowed to feel? | The shame and embarrassment underneath |
| What will I never put up with again? | Turning all of it into information |
That last one is where writing goes from release to useful. "Even if no one ever sees it except you," Rachel said, "it can really help you figure out what you won't put up with in the next relationship."
Set a timer for ten or twenty minutes. Don't edit. Don't show anyone. Then shut the book. Burn the piece of paper if it makes you feel more comfortable.
Try batching your crying
That sounds flippant, I know, but hear me out. One of my favourite techniques Rachel described was her five minute ‘cry it out’ session. Five minutes a day to properly howl, and then stop.
"I'm just gonna batch my crying into five minutes," she said. Without it, the crying leaked into everything – a song, a photo, a normal Tuesday.
Crying isn't the problem – in fact it’s super healthy to release those emotions. It's the ambush that wears you down. Giving it a slot, and giving your thoughts a page, are two versions of the same trick.
Rachel puts a limit on it too. Allow it for around three months, then start turning towards the rest of your life.
When writing isn't enough
Rachel read a letter on the episode from a man still writing to a woman seven years after she ended it. That's way beyond where the line is.
"If you're not getting better, if you're still really sad all the time, if you're still crying all the time … and it's been months or even years, you really need to do yourself a favour and get some help," she said. Rachel says she’s been in counselling for years, including when things are going well.
Writing sits next to professional support. It doesn't replace it. If you're struggling to function, talk to your GP or call Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636. If you're not safe, 1800RESPECT is on 1800 737 732, any hour of the day.
Frequently asked questions
Do I need closure to move on after divorce?
No. Plenty of women build good lives without ever getting an explanation. Closure is something you build through acceptance far more often than something you're handed.
Should I send the letter I write to my ex?
I'd say no. Most people find the relief comes from writing it, not from sending it. Once you've separated, their emotions aren't your business anymore, and yours aren't theirs. That's not being cold. It's the boundary that lets you both get on with things. And if legal proceedings are still going, there's a practical reason to hold off. Anything you send can end up in front of a lawyer. Check with yours before you send anything.
How often should I write?
Short sessions of 15 to 20 minutes, a few times, are enough (start smaller if that’s easier – it can be intimidating to start with 15 minutes, but 3-5 minutes can feel more doable). Daily journaling is optional but if you’re enjoying it and it helps, go nuts.
What if writing makes me feel worse?
Feeling flat straight afterwards is normal and usually passes quickly. If it consistently leaves you distressed instead of lighter, stop and talk to someone.
Listen to the full conversation
Rachel and I cover a lot more than fits here – the TV show that reunited exes ten years later, why sponsors backed away from her website, and the big purchse she made six weeks after her own break-up that changed her life.
Listen to the episode here:
If you want more than a notebook
Writing gets a lot out of your head. What it won't do is tell you how property settlement works, or what to ask a lawyer, or how to handle Friday's handover without your stomach dropping.
That's what the Women's Divorce Academy membership is for. It's the full resource library – plain-language legal guides, expert interviews, scripts, templates and frameworks – there whenever you have the capacity for it. Nothing to attend. No schedule to keep up with.
With love,
Carolyn xx
