Sarah's body knew her marriage was over before she did
Credit: iStock
Sarah Gallucci spent years overriding what her body was telling her. Couldn't sleep next to her husband. Felt relief when he left the room. Rented homes with a spare bedroom just so she could breathe. It took 13 years – and a lot of soul searching – before she finally listened.
Sarah is the author of Laid: A Memoir of Love, Sex, and Marriage – a raw, present-tense memoir about losing yourself in a marriage and clawing your way back. I spoke to her recently on the Women's Divorce Academy podcast, and her story is one I keep thinking about.
Here's what it taught me.
Key takeaways
Your body signals that something is wrong long before your brain is ready to admit it
You can lose yourself in a marriage without anything being "obviously" wrong – and that's still a valid reason to leave
Collaborative divorce only works when both people are genuinely collaborating; many women end up paying a steep price for keeping things nice
Recovery takes longer than most people say – often 3-4 years to feel truly grounded
Staying together for the children is not protection if the home is unhealthy
How do you know your marriage is really over?
Sarah didn't have a dramatic moment. No affair. No obvious breaking point.
What she had was a body that kept score.
She'd stopped being able to relax next to her husband – not just in a sexual context, but physically, all the time. She was deliberately choosing homes with an extra bedroom. She was waking up tightly coiled and going to bed the same way.
"Even if it wasn't like in a sexual context," she said, "my body couldn't relax and sleep next to him."
We talk ourselves out of these signals constantly. We tell ourselves we're tired, or stressed, or being too sensitive. But the signals don't go away. They just get louder.
Sarah's advice to her younger self:
"Listen to your body the first time it even utters to you that there's something amiss."
Not run. Just listen. Bring it up. See what happens. And if the response is anger, deflection, or dismissal – that's information too.
Why "he's a good person" isn't always enough
One of the hardest things to explain to people on the outside is that a marriage can be hollowing you out even when nothing is overtly wrong.
Sarah was 24 when she gave up her career to become the primary parent. On paper, she had a stable life. A provider. A decent man.
"You're supposed to be grateful," she told me, "when they're not gambling, they're not drinking, they're not cheating on you. But we forget there can be so many other issues in a relationship that can totally destroy it."
Not being seen. Not being understood. Carrying the entire mental load while your own needs go quietly unmet. These things erode a person just as surely as the more visible stuff – they're just harder to name, and harder to defend when people keep telling you how lucky you are.
Sarah reached a point where she was so depleted she offered her husband a hall pass. Not because she wanted an open relationship. Because she just needed her body back.
"I was literally just trying to survive," she said.
When you're doing that – outsourcing intimacy just to get a night's sleep – that's not a marriage problem. That's a survival problem.
Collaborative divorce vs mediation: what Sarah learned the hard way
This is one of the most practical questions women ask me, and Sarah's experience is worth a closer look.
Collaborative divorce involves both parties working with their own solicitors to reach an agreement outside of court. In theory, it's gentler. In practice, it only works if both people are genuinely committed to collaborating.
Sarah spent $30,000 getting to the separation agreement. She still wasn't divorced.
The problem was that she was the one keeping things nice. She was the people-pleaser. And the longer it dragged out, the more she stood to lose.
"If we continued on this path," she said, "there would be nothing left to fight over."
Mediation brought in a neutral third party to help them reach agreement. It cost $4000. She was divorced.
The difference wasn't just money. It was preparation. Sarah came to every mediation session ready – numbers, goals, a clear position on what she deserved and why.
Her ex – a businessman – said she was one of the toughest negotiators he'd ever dealt with.
She was fighting for her children's lives. Of course she was tough.
Sarah Galucci has written a memoir about finding herself through divorce.
Which is right for you?
Mediation tends to work well when both parties can communicate, even imperfectly, and at least one person wants to reach a fair resolution quickly
Collaborative divorce can work, but be honest with yourself about whether the other person is genuinely committed – or whether you'll end up carrying the emotional labour of keeping it civil
Either way: come prepared. Know your finances. Know what you're asking for and why. Don't give up ground just to keep things comfortable
For more on protecting yourself financially, the is a good place to start.
What the moment of leaving actually feels like
The morning her husband moved out, Sarah described it as "the biggest exhale."
She woke up. The house was quiet. Birds were chirping. Her body unclenched for the first time in years.
That moment — the first morning of feeling safe in your own home — is something so many women inside describe. The sheer physical relief of not having to brace anymore.
But the exhale is just the beginning.
How long does it take to feel like yourself again?
Longer than anyone tells you. And that's worth saying plainly, because so many women measure themselves against an imaginary timeline and silently decide they're failing.
For Sarah, it was three and a half years before she felt truly rooted and grounded. Four years in, she thought: if this is the worst case scenario for my life, I've already won.
Her path back to herself wasn't a program or a formula. It was returning to her Sicilian roots – growing herbs, making teas, hanging laundry on the line, reclaiming her language, making her home feel like her home again.
"With the absence of my ex, I was able to fully embody me at this very deep ancestral level," she said. "I started to fall back in love with myself again."
Most women describe something similar – a return to the small, physical, sensory things that feel like them. The things they'd quietly stopped doing.
Is staying together for the kids the right thing to do?
No. And the research supports this.
Children are more harmed by growing up in a high-conflict household than by their parents separating. That finding is consistent across the research.
Sarah is clear about it:
"By staying, you're actively choosing to keep your children in an unhealthy environment."
Her children are thriving now. There's peace in the house. Laughter. They're all chasing their goals together.
That's not a broken home. That's what a home can look like on the other side.
What Sarah wants women in the thick of it to know
She came back to a lyric from Beyoncé's Lemonade album – the one that carried her through the worst of it.
Me and my baby are gonna be alright. We're gonna live a good life.
"The faster you can leave a situation that is terrible and unhealthy," she said, "literally the faster your life just starts exploding and blossoming and being beautiful in all the ways."
You don't have to have it all figured out. You just need the next steady step.
FAQs
How do you know when your marriage is really over?
Your body often knows before your brain does. Persistent tension around your partner, relief when they leave, inability to sleep next to them — these are signals worth taking seriously. If you're constantly managing your own needs down to accommodate someone else's, with no reciprocity, that matters.
What's the difference between collaborative divorce and mediation?
Collaborative divorce involves both parties having separate solicitors and working together outside of court. Mediation involves a neutral third party helping both people reach an agreement. Mediation is typically faster and less expensive. Collaborative divorce can work well but tends to be costly if the process drags out — especially if only one person is genuinely trying to collaborate.
How long does it take to feel okay after divorce?
Most women describe feeling genuinely settled – not just functional, but actually good – somewhere between two and four years after separation. The first year is often the hardest. That timeline can feel discouraging, but it's worth knowing so you don't measure yourself against an unrealistic standard.
Is staying together for the kids the right thing to do?
Research consistently shows that children are more negatively affected by living in a high-conflict household than by their parents separating. A calmer, safer home – even a single-parent one – is better for children than an unhappy intact family.
How do I protect myself financially in a divorce settlement?
Come prepared. Know your assets, your income, your contributions (including unpaid caregiving), and what you're entitled to. Don't give ground just to keep the peace. The is a free guide that covers the most common pitfalls.
Sarah Gallucci is the author of Laid: A Memoir of Love, Sex, and Marriage. Listen to our full conversation on the Divorce With Carolyn podcast.
