Divorcing a narcissist – and why that label doesn’t matter
If you're divorcing someone you think is a narcissist, you don't need a diagnosis to protect yourself. Only a psychologist or psychiatrist can diagnose narcissistic personality disorder, and your ex is unlikely to sit for one. What matters is the behaviour – and the behaviour tells you the ordinary, reasonable way of separating won't work. Here's what does.
Key takeaways
You can't diagnose your ex, and you don't need to. If their behaviour makes you reach for the word, that's the information you need.
A stressed ex behaving badly since the separation is different from a lifelong pattern that predates it.
The intense, flattering start to the relationship was the mechanism, not a red flag you missed. There's no shame in having believed it.
Two tools for handling contact: grey rock (what they see) and the perspex box (what you do on the inside).
The structural changes that take the fight out: legal guidance early, everything in one written channel, consent orders, child support through Services Australia, parallel parenting.
If you're frightened of your ex, this isn't a communication problem. Go to 1800RESPECT first.
There's a word I hear in the Women's Divorce Academy community more than almost any other. More than lawyer. More than settlement. I stopped counting a long time ago how often it comes up, and I'd guess that if you've found this article, you've either said it out loud or thought it and felt a little guilty about thinking it.
The word is narcissist.
I'm not going to tell you whether your ex is one. I can't – I've never met them, and even if I had, it wouldn't be mine to say. What I've learned after years of hearing that word is more useful than a verdict: the answer doesn't change what you need to do next.
This article is drawn from the latest episode of my podcast, Divorce With Carolyn, where I walk through what the word actually means, why so many capable women end up in these relationships, what a high-conflict ex tends to do once a separation is under way, and two techniques I've used myself for handling contact. You can listen to the full episode at the bottom of this page.
Nothing in this article is a diagnosis, and nothing in it is legal advice. If you're frightened of your ex, please skip straight to the section on when it's not difficult but dangerous.
What does "narcissist" actually mean?
Narcissistic personality disorder is a clinical diagnosis. It's made by a psychologist or psychiatrist after a proper evaluation, over time. Healthdirect, the Australian government's health information service, describes it as a mental health condition in which a person believes they are better than everyone else, and estimates it affects somewhere between one and six people in every hundred. It also draws a distinction that matters here: narcissism and a narcissistic personality type sit within the range of normal human behaviour, while the disorder is a condition that affects a person's everyday life.
In plain language, the traits health authorities list include an inflated sense of their own importance, a need for constant admiration, little or no empathy, a sense of entitlement to special treatment, a willingness to take advantage of other people, and a reaction to criticism that's out of all proportion – rage, humiliation, or a cold fury that can last for days. MedlinePlus, the US National Library of Medicine, is clear that it can only be diagnosed through a psychological evaluation.
Here's why that matters for you. The person you're divorcing is, in all likelihood, never going to sit in that chair. So the question "are they a narcissist?" can't be answered – not by you, not by me, not by anything you read online. It goes round and round and it never lands.
I'd suggest swapping it for a different question: not "are they a narcissist?" but "is this how they behave?"
Because if the way your ex behaves makes you reach for that word, that's information. It tells you the ordinary way of doing a separation – be reasonable, explain yourself, assume good faith, look for the middle ground – isn't going to work with this person. Every one of those things will be used against you. That's not a diagnosis. It's a signal that you need support, structure and a different set of tools.
Is my ex a narcissist, or are they stressed?
Psychologists are clear on something that I think is important to mention.
A stressed, frightened ex can behave badly for a while. Separation puts people into fight or flight, and when we're in that state none of us bring our best selves. Anger is very often fear wearing a different coat. Coldness is often shock. If your ex was never like this – even in the worst years of the relationship – and has become angry and unreasonable since the separation, that's probably stress. Stress passes.
A personality disorder is different. It's lifelong. It was there before you separated, and if you look back you can usually see it running through the whole relationship. What the separation does is wound it. The ending is experienced as an attack, and everything escalates from there.
And a warning, because I've seen it go wrong: a lot of people call their ex a narcissist when the ex is simply being assertive and asking for what they want. Disagreeing with you doesn't make someone a narcissist. Wanting a different outcome from the property settlement doesn't make someone a narcissist. Most exes are difficult to divorce. That's what divorce is.
How did I end up in a relationship with a narcissist?
Underneath a lot of the conversations I have about this sits a quieter question. How did I end up here? I'm a smart woman. I've got a career, I've raised children, I can read a room. How did I marry this?
I want to take the shame out of that question, because it doesn't belong there.
The early version of the person you married was built to be believed. Researchers have studied and named the pattern. At the start there's intense attention – fast declarations, constant contact, gifts, the feeling of being chosen and finally understood. It moves quickly and it feels wonderful. Psychology Today calls this phase love bombing: over-the-top displays of adoration, early declarations of love, and steps to stay in constant contact. Then, at some point, it turns. The turn usually comes at the first real disagreement, the first no, the first time you had a need that didn't suit them. Researchers call the first part idealisation and the second part devaluation, and you spend the years in between trying to get back to the person you met at the beginning.
So you didn't miss something obvious. The intensity at the start wasn't a red flag you walked past – it was the mechanism. And if you find yourself not trusting your own judgement now, that's one of the things this pattern leaves behind. It's not evidence your judgement was bad. It's evidence of what happened to it.
One caution: an intense start isn't always this. Some people are infatuated, and it settles into something ordinary and good. The tell isn't how it started. The tell is what happened after the first no.
What does a narcissist do during a divorce?
These aren't research findings. They're what I've seen and heard from the women I've worked with over the years, and I'd put money on at least three of them landing for you.
Flooding. Fourteen messages before lunch. Emails at midnight. Every one seems to need a reply, or that's how it feels. The volume is the point.
Rewriting history. The story of the relationship changes depending on who's listening. After a while your own memory starts to feel unreliable, and that isn't an accident.
Charm in the room. The mediator, the teacher, the new partner, the lawyer on the other side all meet a reasonable, articulate, slightly wounded person. You, by contrast, are tired and frustrated. Guess who looks like the difficult one.
Punishment for leaving. The separation itself is treated as an attack. Everything gets worse after the day you say it's over, and it stays worse.
Money as a lever. Agreed contributions stop the moment something doesn't go their way. A child makes a choice about where they want to sleep, and the money dries up the same week.
No accountability. Every problem is your fault – your fragility, your overreacting, your turning the kids against them.
Moving the goalposts. You reach an agreement in principle. Then at the signing stage the terms shift. You agree to that, and they shift again.
Children as messengers. The kids carry the questions, the complaints, and sometimes the surveillance, without knowing that's what they're doing.
If you're nodding, hold on to one thread. The same charm that worked on you at the start will work on professionals now. That's why keeping everything in writing matters so much, and why your own calm – which the next section shows you how to manufacture – is a strategy, not a weakness.
How do you deal with a narcissist during divorce? Two tools for contact
These are the two things you can use tonight, before you've spoken to a lawyer or filled in a form. They work as a pair. One is what your ex sees. The other is what you do on the inside so you can manage it.
Grey rock: what your ex sees
The grey rock method is a communication strategy for dealing with a high-conflict or narcissistic ex when you can't cut contact completely: you respond only to logistics, with no emotion, no explanation and no defence, so there's nothing for them to react to. If you have children together, cutting contact isn't an option, which is why it matters. You become as dull and unremarkable as a grey rock: no emotion, no explanation, no defence, nothing for them to work with. The accusations and the digs at handover are looking for a reaction, and the reaction is the fuel. Grey rock cuts off the supply.
Some examples of what it looks like in practice:
They send: "You've always been selfish, this is exactly why the kids are struggling, and I want them Thursday instead of Friday." You reply: "Thursday pick-up at 4pm from school works." Nothing else.
They send: "I can't believe you told your mother about the settlement." You don't reply. It isn't logistics.
At handover they say something cutting about how you look. You say, "Bye kids, see you Sunday," and get in the car.
They send six paragraphs about your failings as a mother with one question about the dentist buried in the middle. You reply: "The dentist appointment is the tenth of October at 3pm. I'll take her."
Three things to know before you use it. First, it came from the lived-experience community, not a clinic – psychologists treat it as valid when used with caution, but it hasn't been formally studied, and it isn't guaranteed. Second, it is not for a physically abusive situation; with someone dangerous, flat responses can escalate things. Third, it costs something. Being a rock to your ex doesn't mean being a rock to everyone. The feelings have to go somewhere – a friend, a therapist, a community of women who understand.
There's also a gentler version some people call yellow rock: the same minimal content with enough warmth that, read aloud in a courtroom, it would sound like a reasonable co-parent. "Thanks for letting me know. Thursday at 4pm works." If you're worried about how your messages look on paper, that's the version for you.
The perspex box: what you do on the inside
The perspex box is a visualisation technique for staying calm during contact with a high-conflict ex: you imagine them inside a clear box where they can keep talking but you can't hear them, and every word uses up a little more of their oxygen. I got it from my own family lawyer when I was going through my divorce. My ex could talk – could talk and talk – and I'd be drawn in every single time. My lawyer said, imagine a perspex box being lowered over them. They can keep going for as long as they like. You can't hear them. And every word they say uses up a little more of the oxygen in the box.
You can still see them. If you genuinely need to, you can reach in. But their power over you dwindles while they talk themselves out.
You open a long message and, before you read a word, you put them in the box. Then you read it looking for logistics only. They corner you in the school corridor; the box comes down, you say "I'll email you," and you walk into the classroom. They talk over the mediator; box, wait, then one sentence to the mediator, not to them.
If the box doesn't work for you, try a bubble with a mirror on the outside, so whatever they throw at it bounces straight back. Pick whichever picture your mind will hold.
Two more for the same column. When a message makes your blood go hot, write the furious reply, send it to yourself, and sleep on it; in the morning, take out everything that isn't logistics. And watch your own markers – sleep, appetite, the things that used to keep you well. A mental health treatment plan from your GP covers part of the cost of a psychologist, and it's easier to get than most people think.
What else helps when you're divorcing a narcissist?
These take longer and some cost money, but they change the shape of the whole situation rather than helping you get through a Tuesday.
Legal
Get advice early. I waited eighteen months to see a family lawyer after I separated, because I kept telling myself it would sort itself out. It didn't. One appointment where you ask "what's my situation, what are my rights, what can I expect" changes how you walk into everything that follows. You don't have to hire anyone. You only have to know where you stand.
Keep everything in writing, in one channel – email or a co-parenting app, nothing by phone. It gives you a record and it takes the heat out.
Ask your lawyer about consent orders rather than a handshake agreement. A parenting plan is a document two people agree to; consent orders are approved by the court and enforceable. With someone who moves the goalposts, enforceable is the word that matters.
And let the lawyer carry the hard conversations. You're too emotionally entwined to negotiate directly – that's true of anyone divorcing someone they were married to.
Money
If you have children, apply for a child support assessment through Services Australia rather than a private arrangement. I know it feels like escalating. It isn't. It hands the money to someone else so that money stops being a conversation between the two of you.
Separate your money early: your own account, your own copies of documents, a credit report in your own name.
Children
Parallel parenting, not co-parenting. Parallel parenting is an arrangement where each parent runs their own household independently and the two communicate only about essentials – health, school, safety and logistics – rather than making joint decisions. Co-parenting as it's usually described involves a relationship – aligning on rules, making joint decisions. With someone who negotiates in bad faith, that's a trap. Parallel parenting keeps the parenting and takes the relationship out. Each house runs its own way. You share the minimum: health, school, safety, logistics.
Use neutral handovers – school is best, because nobody has to see anybody. If it's gone further, Children's Contact Services offer supervised changeover.
And remember that you can only control what goes on in your home. The research on children who do well through hard circumstances points to one stable, committed relationship with an adult as the biggest factor. Yours counts. Ask broad questions on the drive home, not an interrogation – children work out quickly which answers make you go quiet.
When is it not difficult but dangerous?
Everything above assumes difficult, not dangerous. An ex who floods your phone and rewrites history and charms the mediator is exhausting – I've been there, and I don't want to minimise it. But an ex who threatens you, controls your money so you can't leave, tracks where you go or frightens the children is something else, and grey rock and a perspex box are not the tools for that.
If you're frightened of your ex, that isn't a communication problem. It's a safety problem, and it needs people whose job it is.
Coercive control – a pattern of behaviour used to control or dominate a partner – is now a standalone criminal offence in two states. New South Wales became the first jurisdiction to criminalise it, with laws commencing on 1 July 2024, and Queensland's offence came into force on 26 May 2025, carrying a maximum penalty of 14 years. If what you're describing is a pattern of control, it may be a crime, not a personality quirk.
Where to go:
1800RESPECT – 1800 737 732 – 24 hours, counselling and referral to local services
In an emergency, call 000
Family Advocacy and Support Services – free duty lawyers and social workers at the family courts, including safety planning before a court date: fcfcoa.gov.au/fass
Children's Contact Services – supervised contact and changeover, so handover happens with someone else in the room
Frequently asked questions
Can I prove my ex is a narcissist in family court?
In almost every case, no – and you don't need to. The court isn't there to diagnose anyone. What the court can assess is behaviour and evidence: a record of messages, a pattern of missed handovers, a history of agreements that fell apart. That's why keeping everything in one written channel matters more than the label. Describe what your ex does, specifically and with dates, and let your lawyer decide how it's used. Your ex isn’t the first and they won’t be the last, and everyone in the legal system knows this, but evidence is what’s important.
Should I tell my lawyer I think my ex is a narcissist?
Tell your lawyer what your ex does, not what you think they are. "They send fifteen messages a day and refuse to use the parenting app" is useful. "They're a narcissist" is an opinion your lawyer can't act on. The behaviour gives your lawyer something to work with; the label gives the other side something to argue about.
Does the grey rock method work on a narcissist?
For many women, yes, with two caveats. It hasn't been formally studied, so psychologists treat it as a sensible approach rather than a proven one, and it often makes things worse for a fortnight before they settle, because the other person escalates when the old approach stops working. It is not for a physically abusive situation, where flat responses can be dangerous.
What's the difference between co-parenting and parallel parenting?
Co-parenting involves ongoing communication and joint decisions between parents – shared rules, aligned routines, regular conversation. Parallel parenting removes most of that: each household runs its own way, contact is limited to essentials like health, school, safety and logistics, and handovers happen somewhere neutral. Parallel parenting is often the better fit when one parent negotiates in bad faith.
Is coercive control a crime in Australia?
In two states, yes. New South Wales criminalised coercive control from 1 July 2024, and Queensland's offence commenced on 26 May 2025 with a maximum penalty of 14 years. Other states and territories have not yet created a standalone offence, though protection orders and existing domestic violence laws still apply everywhere. If you think this applies to you, 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) can connect you with local legal and support services.
Can I get child support if my ex refuses to pay?
Yes. In Australia you can apply for a child support assessment through Services Australia regardless of whether your ex agrees, and Services Australia can collect payments on your behalf. For many women this is the single change that takes money out of the relationship entirely. You can read more about child support, and listen to our podcast episode, here.
The relief isn't winning
You may have come to this article with a question – is my ex a narcissist – and I hope you're leaving with something more useful than an answer, because there isn't one. You've got a way of recognising the pattern. You've got a way of understanding how you ended up in it that doesn't involve blaming yourself. And you've got a set of tools that work whether or not your ex ever gets a diagnosis.
I want to be honest about one thing. The relief in all of this isn't winning. You probably won't win, in the sense of your ex finally understanding, or apologising, or changing. The relief is being released from the obligation to persuade someone who was never going to be persuaded. That's the thing that gives you your evenings back.
You can only control what goes on in your home, in your head and in your thumbs. It turns out that's a lot.
If you'd like to hear the full conversation, including the two case studies I walk through, listen to this episode of Divorce With Carolyn.
And if you're not sure where you are in all of this, the TRUST Method quiz is free and takes a few minutes – it tells you which of the five stages you're in, the three things to deal with first, and what can safely wait.
