What Divorce Really Does to Kids — My Son Connor Shares His Story
Every mother I work with worries about her children. Usually more than the money, more than the legal process, more often even than her own wellbeing — it's the kids. What is this doing to them? Am I getting this wrong? Will they be okay?
I've sat with these questions myself. I've been through two separations, and I have three children who've each experienced that in different ways and at different ages.
So I decided to go to the most honest source I could think of — my son Connor, who is 21 and has been through two separations with me. He was two the first time, when I separated from his dad, and twelve the second time. He's now old enough to reflect on that experience with real clarity, and he was generous enough to share it with me for the Women’s Divorce Academy community.
What he told me was by turns reassuring, confronting, and genuinely wise (proud mum moment!). I'm sharing it here because I think it's exactly what mothers going through separation need to hear — not platitudes, but the real view from the other side of the experience.
Is divorce inherently damaging to children?
It's the question I put to Connor first, and he didn't flinch.
"I don't think it's inherently damaging. I think it's quite freeing in a lot of circumstances — but I also don't want to diminish the damage it can do." — Connor
It's a nuanced answer, and I think it's the right one. Divorce isn't a sentence. But it does reshape a child's world — their routines, their sense of security, their understanding of family. The question isn't whether it affects them. It's how we work through that impact with them.
What the research consistently shows is that it's not the separation itself that causes the most harm — it's the ongoing conflict surrounding it.
Children in high-conflict intact families tend to fare worse than children in low-conflict separated families. That's an important distinction, and one worth holding onto when the guilt gets loud.
What children can already see
One of Connor's most consistent themes was this: children are far more perceptive than parents tend to give them credit for.
He described friends whose parents stayed together but were clearly unhappy — and how those children could feel that something was wrong, even without having language for it.
"They might not know that mum and dad are unhappy. They might just go — something's weird at home. Something's wrong at home — and they just don't know what it is." — Connor
This challenges a really common reason I see women giving for staying in an unhappy marriage: "I'm doing it for the children."
If the relationship is consistently tense, unhappy, or hostile, children are living inside that — whether the parents are separated or not. The protective impulse to stay is understandable. But as Connor points out, it doesn't always produce the protection we're hoping for.
The children probably already know. The question is whether they have a safe place to talk about it.
What children learn from the relationship they watch
Connor also raised something I found striking — and that I don't hear discussed often enough.
Beyond the immediate experience of separation, children are absorbing what relationships look like. The dynamic between their parents becomes, in part, their template — for how conflict gets handled, how needs get expressed, what's acceptable to tolerate.
"Is it accidentally teaching your daughter to stay quiet in situations she's uncomfortable in? Is it accidentally teaching your son that he's allowed to push people around?" — Connor
It's not about blame. It's about awareness. And sometimes, Connor said, the most protective thing a parent can do is model that it's possible — and right — to make a hard decision with dignity.
What actually helps
Consistency and communication — above all else
Connor came back to these two things over and over throughout our conversation. Not perfection. Not identical rules in both households. Just consistency within your own home, and honest, age-appropriate communication with your children.
"Kids can tell when you're trying to pour from an empty cup. You're not as good at hiding it as you think you are." — Connor
(See, I told you he was wise!)
Children feel safe when they know what to expect. Routines, clear expectations, and a stable emotional environment in your home give them what they need — regardless of what's happening elsewhere.
Parallel parenting is a legitimate option
If you can't communicate well with your ex — and many women genuinely can't — Connor was clear that parallel parenting is a valid approach. You maintain consistency in your own home; they do the same in theirs. You don't need to agree on everything, and you don't need a warm co-parenting relationship to raise children well.
What matters most in that situation, he said, is the open channel you maintain with your children inside your home. "Especially if you're parallel parenting — just really listening to your kids is going to be the absolute key."
Listen to what your kids aren't saying
This was the part of our conversation I found hardest — because Connor was talking, in part, about me. (Ouch!)
I made it my mission when he was growing up not to say anything negative about his dad – even when I thought he was being a dick. I kept things civil, I encouraged the relationship, I stayed firmly neutral. I thought I was doing the right thing.
What Connor told me was that while he understood where that came from, what he would have valued more was knowing he wasn't alone in how he was feeling (that his dad was being a dick). Not criticism of his dad. Just acknowledgement — that I could see what he was going through.
"I think I would have liked to know that it wasn't just me." — Connor
He also said that when he expressed reluctance to visit his dad, I tended to gently redirect rather than explore what was behind it. In retrospect, he wished that had been looked into a little earlier.
Looking back now, I can see it was a classic case of overcorrection. My own experience of having a largely absent father in my childhood made me determined Connor wouldn't go through the same. And in trying to protect him from that, I missed some things that mattered.
The lesson, as Connor put it: “keep your own feelings out of it — but listen closely to theirs”. You don't need to know everything happening in the other household. You do need your children to know they can come to you if something isn't right.
On therapy: Start before you're drowning
Connor has been to therapy himself, and he's clear-eyed about the value of starting early — before things reach a crisis point.
"Don't wait until you're under the water to ask for help. Tell people when you're starting to get tired of keeping yourself afloat." — Connor
This applies to your children and to you. Getting support in place early means the relationship is already there when it's needed most. It's not a sign something is seriously wrong. It's preparation — and it's how you build the toolkit before you need it urgently.
Connor also made the point that children don't need to be in crisis to benefit from having someone to talk to. A trusted adult, a school counsellor, a therapist they feel comfortable with — any of these give children an outlet that isn't their parent, which matters.
"You also don't need to be their sole source of support," he said. "Because you need to make time for yourself as well."
Has anything good come out of divorce for my son?
I saved this question for near the end of our conversation, and I'm glad I did.
Connor talked about the empathy it built in him — the awareness of different family structures, the comfort with complexity, the sense that if he ever faced something hard himself, he'd be more prepared than most. "I've seen the good that can come of it," he reassured me.
And then I asked him what he would like for me to have done differently, and he said the thing I think I needed to hear most.
"I don't know if I'd give you advice. I think I just want to go back and give you a hug and tell you — it's going to end up fine." — Connor
What this means for you
If you're sitting in the middle of separation right now (or thinking about it), and you’re worrying about your children, here's what Connor wants you to know:
Your kids can probably already sense what's happening. Keeping the peace doesn't always mean keeping them in the dark.
Consistency and communication are the two things that matter most — in your own home, and with your children directly.
You don't have to be their only source of support. Therapists, trusted adults, extended family — build the village early, not in a crisis.
Listen to what they're telling you, even when it's easier not to. Create the space. Ask the questions. And if something keeps coming up, explore it rather than redirect it.
Take the child-free time when you have it. You cannot pour from an empty cup — and your children can feel when you're running on empty.
I originally interviewed Connor about this on the Divorce with Carolyn podcast. If you'd like to hear the full conversation — including the moments that didn't make it into this article — you can find it there.
