10 Years After Divorce, She Says They’ve Been Her Best Years
Carrie is a journalist, mum of three daughters, and a woman who moved from the UK to Australia for a man she met in her final year of university. She has been divorced for ten years. She is now happily repartnered, financially independent, and raising three teenagers who have told her, in no uncertain terms, that they are glad she left.
I sat down with Carrie to ask her the question I genuinely wanted answered: "Was your divorce the best thing that ever happened to you?"
She didn't pause.
"Absolutely. Genuinely, hand on heart. I just had to let it happen. I had to find the guts to leave."
This article is for the woman who is lying awake asking: Will my life actually be better?
The answer – at least from Carrie – is yes. But the road there is more complicated than it looks from the outside. She shared the moment she knew, the financial mistakes she made and what she'd do differently, the co-parenting approach that took years and a lot of therapy to find, and what a decade of post-divorce life has actually taught her.
The Moment She Knew
The turning point for Carrie didn't come dramatically. There was no final confrontation, no single breaking point. It came quietly, in 2016, when her husband went to the Rio Olympics for work for two months.
She was at home in Sydney with three girls – then aged roughly three, six and nine. People kept saying the same thing: "You poor thing, you're on your own with the kids."
She kept thinking the same thing: I'm fine. Actually, I'm more than fine.
"I realised having a bit of distance from him how much easier my life was without the conflict of disagreeing on things — disagreeing on what we spend our money on, how we parent, our life plans. We just didn't see life in quite the same way." – Carrie
That stretch of quiet – parenting on her own, running her own household, making her own decisions – gave her something she hadn't had in years. Clarity.
She gave it one more try when he returned. She committed fully, gave the relationship everything she had. She wanted to be able to look her children in the eye one day and say she'd tried. But the big arguments came. The disconnect that had always been there became impossible to ignore.
She left in 2016. If you've ever had your own version of that moment – the quiet exhale when someone isn't in the house, the realisation that the tension you'd stopped noticing was actually enormous – you'll recognise what Carrie is describing. It's not dramatic. It's just true.
The Question That Stopped Her for a Long Time
There's a version of the decision-to-leave story that makes it sound simpler than it is. Carrie didn't sugar-coat it.
She spent a long time held back by a question she couldn't answer:
"I had an underlying feeling of – am I allowed to? Can I just rip my kids' life apart, for me? That felt almost really selfish." – Carrie
This is one of the most common things I hear from women in the Women's Divorce Academy community. The decision to leave is rarely just about them – it's tangled up with their children, with financial survival, with the lives of everyone they love. Leaving feels selfish. Staying feels self-sacrificing. Neither feels like a clean choice.
Her therapist gave her a frame that cut through it.
The Two Reasons You Should Never Stay
"There are two reasons I hear all the time for people to stay with their partners, and there are two reasons you should never stay. One of those is for the kids. The other reason is money." – Carrie's therapist, via Carrie
Both reasons come from love. Staying for the kids comes from wanting to protect them. Staying for money comes from the very real, very legitimate fear of financial collapse.
But the research on children and divorce consistently shows that children's wellbeing after separation is shaped more by parental conflict and the quality of the parent-child relationship than by the separation itself. Children in low-conflict separated families generally do better than children in high-conflict intact families.
And as for the money: Carrie's therapist told her bluntly – you're not going to be as comfortable as you were, but you have a career. You're employable. You will make it work.
She was right. Carrie has spent more time worrying about money since she separated than she ever did in the marriage. She has three teenage daughters who are, by her own description, "expensive little things." But she has made it work. And she says every day she is grateful she had the courage to try.
The Financial Mistakes – and What She'd Do Differently
Carrie went through her divorce with minimal legal conflict. She and her ex agreed to sell the family home, split 50/50, and share custody informally. There was no fight over money or children. By most divorce standards, it was relatively smooth.
But she has one significant regret.
"I really regret that I didn't fight for his super. I had had three maternity leaves where I was earning nothing and putting nothing into super. I really, really wish I had fought for some of that, because I would have been entitled to it." – Carrie
Superannuation is one of the most commonly misunderstood assets in Australian divorce. It is a divisible asset – you are entitled to ask for a share of your former partner's super, particularly if you have spent time out of the paid workforce to care for children. Many women do not know this. Many lawyers do not explain it unless asked.
Carrie didn't fight for it. She estimates she left a significant amount on the table.
The other thing she did – and this is one of the smartest financial moves a divorcing woman can make – was get one session with a family law specialist before agreeing to anything.
"I went to a divorce lawyer – a really good one – for one session. She just looked at my ballpark and said, 'if you went through the court system, my thinking is the judge would give you 55% of the asset pool and him 45%.' I think I might have spent $200 on that." – Carrie
With that number, Carrie could make an informed choice. She knew what 50/50 meant in real terms – she was giving him a 5% advantage. She decided the legal cost of fighting for it wasn't worth it for her situation. But she made that decision knowing, not guessing.
That is the difference between an informed settlement and a settlement you spend years regretting.
Want to feel clear and in control before making any financial decisions? Check out Before You Agree To Anything.
What Every Woman Should Consider Before She Signs Anything
Getting an independent legal consultation – even one hour. Know your approximate position.
Asking specifically about superannuation splitting – it must be requested and formalised through a super splitting agreement or consent order.
Understanding your entitlement to a greater share of the asset pool if you have spent significant time out of the workforce for child-rearing.
Questioning that ‘default’ 50/50 position simply because it feels fair or simple – "fair" in divorce law accounts for your future earning capacity, your contributions, and your care responsibilities.
Co-Parenting Without the Friendship
One of the most honest parts of this conversation was when Carrie talked about co-parenting.
She tried, for years, to maintain a friendship with her ex. She wanted it for herself. She wanted it for the girls. She put enormous effort into it.
It didn't work.
"I spent a lot of effort in those early months, years trying for us to be friends. I look back now and realised that was never going to be possible. I wish I'd tried just being polite and business-like from the get-go. Very strict boundaries, civil, polite, a bit of distance, but amicable." – Carrie
The model that finally worked – the one that arrived after a lot of therapy – was treating her ex like a polite business partner.
Not friends. Not enemies. Two people managing a shared enterprise (the wellbeing of their children) with civility, clear boundaries, and limited personal disclosure.
If you're expending enormous energy trying to maintain a friendship with a former partner who isn't capable of it, this might be the most useful reframe in this entire conversation.
You don't have to be friends. You have to be civil. The distinction is everything.
The Little Girly House
When Carrie moved out of the family home into a rental with her daughters, something unexpected happened.
She loved it.
"We had our space. It was just our little girly house. I honestly felt like the kids had a big breathe out as well. I felt like they went from a house with a lot of tension to just our space. It felt very free for them. It certainly felt very free for me." — Carrie
She still drives past that house. She smiles every time.
I have heard versions of this story from hundreds of women inside Women's Divorce Academy. The rental that was a step down in size or suburb. The house that was supposed to be a difficult transition. The unexpected feeling of lightness — for the mother and for the children – when the conflict was no longer in the air.
Children are more perceptive than we give them credit for. They sense tension they can't name. They know when a home is weighted. And when that weight lifts, they feel it.
Carrie's daughters are now teenagers. She asked them, not long ago, what they remembered about those years.
"They've all said that they are glad that I left him. They can't imagine us being together." — Carrie
She spent years worrying about whether she had ruined her children's lives. The answer, 10 years on, is no.
What Repartnering Actually Looks Like
Carrie repartnered with a man she met at work around the time she was making her decision to leave. He knew she was married. There was chemistry. Nothing happened while she was still with her husband, but after she separated, they began a relationship.
She is still with him, ten years later.
But Carrie is clear about how they got there: very, very slowly.
He didn't stay over for the first six months to a year. He didn't move in for two and a half years. The girls' comfort came first. Their pace set the timeline.
The philosophy they came into the relationship with – articulated deliberately, and practised deliberately:
"Let's always be calm and kind. No matter what we're feeling or how frustrated or angry we feel, we talk calmly and kindly." — Carrie
Two words. Calm and kind. Even when it's hard. Especially when it's hard.
I think about that phrase a lot. The marriages many of us left were not calm and kind – not consistently. We may not have even known what that looked and felt like until we experienced it. But once you do, as Carrie said, you can't go back to the dark.
Ten Years On
I asked Carrie, at the end of our conversation, what she would change if she could go back.
She told me there were two things:
fight for the super
don't spend two years trying to be friends with someone who wasn't interested.
Everything else? She'd do it again.
"My post-divorce life has been amazing. I think it's been my best years. I've loved being free, making my own decisions, living by my own values, finding love again. The girls have flourished." — Carrie
I asked her one last question.
Was your divorce the best thing that ever happened to you?
"Absolutely. Genuinely, hand on heart. It really, really was. I just had to let it happen."
If you are somewhere in the middle of this – somewhere between the exhale moment and the little girly house – that is your answer. From ten years out.
It gets better. Not "okay." Actually better.
▶ Want expert support for the financial side of your divorce?Before You Agree to Anything is a practical toolkit to help you avoid the financial mistakes that cost women tens of thousands.
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This article is based on an interview with Carrie, conducted for Divorce With Carolyn. You can listen to the full conversation on your favourite podcast platform, or click here.
About this post
This article is based on an interview with Carrie, a journalist and mum of three daughters based in Sydney. Carrie divorced in 2016 after 16 years of marriage.
The financial information in this article is general in nature and does not constitute legal or financial advice. Superannuation splitting rules and property settlement entitlements vary by individual circumstances. Carolyn strongly recommends consulting a family law specialist before agreeing to any financial settlement.
This article contains general information only and is not intended as a substitute for professional psychological or financial support. If you are experiencing mental health concerns during or after separation, please reach out to Beyond Blue (1300 22 4636) or Relationships Australia (1300 364 277).
