Why Your Nervous System Gets Fried During Divorce — And What To Do About It
You're exhausted. You've barely slept. And yet the moment the house goes quiet, your brain kicks into overdrive – running through legal steps, financial fears, the kids' school schedule, that message from your ex you still haven't answered. You lie there at 2am wondering who's going to get the cutlery set.
This isn't you being dramatic. This is your nervous system doing exactly what it was designed to do. And once you understand what's actually happening inside your body during separation, it becomes a lot easier to stop fighting yourself – and start working with yourself instead.
I recently spoke with Danielle Colley – integrative life coach, author, and someone who has navigated her own divorce with enormous self-awareness and grace – about the physiology of separation, what helps, and how to eventually move from survival mode back to solid ground. Here's what she shared.
What's Actually Happening in Your Nervous System
When a marriage ends, your nervous system registers it as danger. Not because you're weak or irrational – it’s because you're human, and the end of your relationship is objectively a big deal.
We all have two branches of the nervous system: the sympathetic (fight or flight) and the parasympathetic (rest and digest). In everyday life, these work together to keep us functioning. But when we enter unknown territory – and divorce is about as unknown as it gets – the sympathetic nervous system takes over.
As Danielle explains it: "Whether we are choosing to leave or they are choosing to leave, all of a sudden there is so much unknown ahead of us. That triggers our nervous system to freak out."
Your body responds to the uncertainty of separation with a surge of cortisol and adrenaline. The same hormones that would help you outrun a predator are now flooding your system because you're trying to work out how to split the superannuation.
And it's not just fight or flight. Many women also experience freeze – that paralysing inability to make decisions or take action – or fawn, which involves appeasing others to avoid conflict. All of these responses come from the same place: your nervous system trying to keep you safe in the face of overwhelming uncertainty.
"It's like life-threatening danger. This is the stuff that makes you run away from tigers. Even though separating your assets can feel challenging, it's not really the same as being chased by a tiger – but your body doesn't see it differently."
— Danielle Colley
Why You Can't Sleep – Even When You're Exhausted
During the day, there are things to do. Children to collect. Work deadlines. Messages to field. That busyness creates just enough distraction to keep the cortisol and adrenaline from becoming completely overwhelming.
At night, there is nothing for your brain to do except worry.
"Your sleep cycle gets really disrupted from thinking," Danielle says. "Your brain becomes your biggest enemy at night times."
The hormones running through your system during the day don't know it's 10pm. Your circadian rhythm – the natural melatonin cycle that should be pulling you into sleep — gets disrupted by the relentless stream of thought. And in the dark, everything feels worse. More permanent. More terrifying. More unmanageable.
What Genuinely Helps at 2am
One of the most effective – and underrated – tools for breaking the thought spiral is what Danielle calls the "brain soup" exercise.
Think of your mind at night as a pot where every variety of soup has been thrown in together. Minestrone, Thai chicken, pea and ham – all swirling together into something indistinguishable and overwhelming. The thoughts about money blend with the worry about the children, which bleeds into the memory of the last conversation you had with your ex, which connects to the fear about your future.
The solution is simple: separate out the ingredients. Write them down.
"When they're on paper, they're not swirling around and smooshing around each other. They are there – cold, hard, black and white. And you can see them."
— Danielle Colley
This isn't journalling in the traditional sense. You don't need to process your feelings or write in full sentences. A plain list is enough. What's in my head right now? What am I worried about? What do I need to remember? Getting those thoughts out of your head and onto paper makes them feel more concrete, less catastrophic, and far easier to return to in the morning when you're better placed to deal with them.
You don't have to solve everything at 2am. You just have to stop your brain from believing it needs to.
Parenting Through the Fog
One of the most common questions I hear from members of Women’s Divorce Academy is: How do I stay calm for my kids when I'm falling apart?
Danielle's view on this is a breath of fresh air after all the ‘think positive’ BS we’re often exposed to, and I think it's important:
You don't have to pretend everything is fine.
"It is a really archaic narrative that we need to protect our children from everything that we're feeling. We can't show them that we're sad or we're crying or we need to hide our emotions and pretend that everything is fine," she says.
Children aren’t stupid. They notice what's not being said as much as what is. A friend of mine tried hard not to show her children any sadness during her divorce – and a couple of years later, one of her children said to her, "You were so happy when you and dad broke up."
They had no idea how she was really feeling, and they thought she didn’t care. Opening up gave her children permission to share their sadness too, and it led to a new level of closeness.
Danielle's advice is to approach parenting during this time with compassion – for yourself, first.
"Your best is going to be different on every single day. Allow yourself the grace of doing your best," she says.
That means letting some things slide. Softening your standards without abandoning them entirely. Answering your children's questions honestly, in an age-appropriate way, without pulling them into the adult details of the separation.
But, importantly: don't poison the well. Whatever is happening between you and your ex, your children don't need to carry it. Their relationship with both parents matters for their long-term wellbeing – and keeping that protected, even when it's hard, is one of the most loving things you can do.
Danielle Colley is an integrative life coach who works with women navigating major life transitions.
When It Goes On for a Long Time: Recognising Burnout
Not every separation resolves quickly. Court proceedings can drag on for months or even years. Ongoing conflict, financial strain, and the exhaustion of constant uncertainty can tip the nervous system into full burnout.
Danielle says there are signs you can watch for:
Disengaging from people or activities you used to enjoy
Difficulty getting out of bed
Heightened emotional responses – crying frequently, or feeling completely numb
A persistent sense that things will never get better
"If you find yourself going into some of these places for more than a few weeks, it's time to go and seek some help," she says.
The first step is your GP, who can refer you to a mental health plan and subsidised therapy, if you’re in Australia. If that feels too far away, or the need is immediate, Lifeline (13 11 14), Relationships Australia (1300 364 277), and 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) all offer confidential support.
If you’re outside Australia, you can google local support options.
Asking for help is not a sign that you're not coping. It's a sign that you understand what you're dealing with – and you're being proactive and taking it seriously.
Three Things That Move the Needle Every Day
When I asked Danielle what consistently helps the women she works with to move from survival mode to steadier ground, she was honest: there's no single fix.
"It's a series of small things done regularly."
Here are the three pillars of self-care she said it often comes back to:
1. Sleep — Protect It Like It Matters
Everything is harder when you're under-rested. A consistent sleep routine – even an imperfect one – makes decision-making clearer, emotional regulation easier, and the day more manageable. It doesn't have to be perfect. Even if sleep proves elusive at times, just prioritising good sleep hygiene means you’re getting some rest, which can be helpful.
2. Gratitude — The Research Is Clear
A gratitude practice – done consistently – has been shown to reduce anxiety and depression significantly, with measurable results after as little as three weeks. That doesn’t mean you have to pretend there aren’t challenging things going on in your life – it just helps you to reframe them as only part of the whole picture.
The method Danielle recommends is drawn from the work of positive psychologist Martin Seligman: "I am grateful for [X] because it makes me feel [Y]." Going slightly deeper than a list activates the neurochemistry of joy – dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin – and over time, trains your brain to notice more of what's going right.
It takes under five minutes. It's free. And it works.
3. Pause — Give Your Nervous System a Moment
When emotions are heightened, taking even a brief pause before responding – to a message, to a situation, to a spiral of thought – makes a significant difference. As Danielle puts it, staying within your "window of tolerance" is the goal: not tipping into anxiety and overwhelm at the top end, or sliding into numbness and disengagement at the bottom.
Ask yourself: Is this true? Is this helpful? Is this a story I'm telling myself, or is it what's actually happening?
"You've had it within yourself 100% of the time so far. You've been through tough stuff. You've done tough things."
— Danielle Colley
Therapy, Body-Based Approaches, and When to Explore More
Traditional talk therapy is a great starting point, and there's a good reason it's often the first thing people try when they need support. But if talking isn't shifting things, or if you feel ready to go deeper, there are other options that can help calm your nervous system you might want to explore:
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing) – particularly effective for trauma
Internal Family Systems (IFS) – helps you understand different parts of your emotional experience
Timeline therapy – working through the origins of patterns and beliefs
Somatic therapies and bodywork – releasing stress stored in the body
Breathwork – conscious connected breathing can help move through stuck stress and regulate the nervous system without requiring you to revisit difficult stories
Sound healing – a gentler option for nervous system recalibration
Not everything needs to be heavy lifting. Sometimes an hour somewhere peaceful, with no phone and no demands, is genuinely therapeutic. Give yourself permission to just rest and exhale.
When You're Ready to Imagine What Comes Next
One of the quietest gifts of this time – and it does come, even when it doesn't feel possible right now – is the moment you start to wonder what you actually want.
Many women going through divorce have spent years, sometimes decades, organising their life around a shared future. When that dissolves, the question "What do I want?" can feel overwhelming. Or even irrelevant.
Danielle's suggestion is a simple one: start a list. Things you've always wanted to try but never had the time for. Things that have quietly interested you. Things that might bring a flicker of pleasure, just for you.
You don't have to be ready. You don't have to know what the next chapter looks like. You just have to leave enough of a door open that when the moment comes, you can walk through it.
The only way is through. And everything really does work out on the other side. You are stronger, more resilient, and have far greater internal resources afterwards than you knew you had going in.
A Note on This Episode
I spoke to Danielle on an episode of my podcast Divorce With Carolyn. You can listen to the full episode on your favourite platform by following this link.
Danielle Colley is a coach, writer, and facilitator who works with women navigating major life transitions. This conversation is not a substitute for medical or mental health advice. If you are struggling, please reach out to your GP, Lifeline (13 11 14), or 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732).
