5 divorce mistakes women make (and what to do instead)
If you're going through separation or divorce right now, this one's for you. And if you're not yet but you're thinking about it – it's especially for you.
After seven years running Women's Divorce Academy, walking alongside over 800 women through separation and divorce, and interviewing countless family lawyers, psychologists, and financial advisers as part of my work as a journalist – plus living through this myself, twice – I've seen the same patterns emerge again and again.
These aren't mistakes women make because they're careless or uninformed. They make them because they're doing their best in an overwhelming situation, without the information they need. Nobody tells you this stuff. And when you're in the middle of it, it's almost impossible to see clearly.
So here are the five I wish I could flag for every woman before she makes them.
Mistake 1: Taking Legal Advice from Your Ex
This comes up constantly. And I understand why it happens. When you first separate, there's often a part of you that wants to believe it will be civilised – that you can work it out between you. Maybe your ex is being reasonable. But here's the thing: even a reasonable ex is not a lawyer. And even a well-meaning ex is, consciously or not, looking out for their own interests.
I've spoken to women inside Women's Divorce Academy who were told by their ex that 50/50 was the only option. That they weren't entitled to any of his superannuation. That the house had to be sold immediately. That this was just how it worked. And they believed it – because he said it with such confidence, and because they didn't know any different.
Your ex telling you what's fair is a little like the other team's coach telling you what play to run. They might not be lying. But they're not playing for your side.
What to do instead
Get independent legal advice as early as you possibly can. It doesn't have to be expensive – even a single consultation puts you in a completely different position. Knowledge is power, and in this process, it is also money.
Mistake 2: Making It Your Responsibility to Keep Things Nice
Many of the women I work with have spent years – sometimes decades – managing the emotional temperature of their relationship. Keeping the peace. Absorbing conflict. Softening their own needs so that everything stays comfortable. And when separation happens, they just keep doing it.
So they respond to every message immediately, even the hostile ones. They agree to things they're not comfortable with because the alternative feels confrontational. They take responsibility for how their ex is feeling, how he's coping, how he's managing. And in doing all of that, they run themselves into the ground.
I want to be clear – I'm not saying be aggressive. I'm not saying manufacture conflict. But there is a real difference between keeping things functional and keeping things nice. And the pursuit of nice often costs women enormously.
What to do instead
Shift your goal. The goal is not nice – it's workable. That might mean:
Communicating in writing where possible, so there's a record and you have time to think before you respond
Not responding to messages late at night when your nervous system is already depleted
Getting clear on what you actually need – not what keeps everyone else comfortable
You are allowed to have needs in this process. You are allowed to take up space. And looking after yourself is not the same as being difficult.
I talked about these 5 mistakes on an episode of my podcast Divorce With Carolyn. You can listen to the full episode on your favourite platform by following this link.
Mistake 3: Thinking 50/50 Is Fair
This might be the one that costs women the most. Because it sounds so reasonable. Split everything down the middle. What could be more equal than that?
But equal and fair are not the same thing.
Under Australian family law, property settlement takes into account far more than who earned what. It considers both financial and non-financial contributions – so if you spent years out of the workforce or working part-time to raise children, that is a contribution. It considers future earning capacity, the length of the relationship, superannuation, and what a just and equitable outcome actually looks like for both people given their specific circumstances.
I've spoken to women who were told by their ex they weren't entitled to any of his super – and who believed it, agreed to it, and walked away leaving significant money on the table. I've spoken to women who accepted a straight 50/50 split on everything because it felt fair, when in reality they were entitled to significantly more.
What to do instead
Do not agree to any split – of assets, of super, of anything – before speaking to a family lawyer about your specific situation. What your ex tells you about what's fair is not legal advice. What your friend got in her settlement is not your settlement. Your situation is your situation, and you deserve to understand it fully before you agree to anything.
Mistake 4: Rushing to Get It Over and Done With
I understand this one personally. The uncertainty of separation is one of the hardest things to sit with. Every day that things are unresolved feels like a day you can't move forward. And some exes apply enormous pressure to settle quickly – sometimes because they genuinely want it resolved, and sometimes because a quick settlement suits them.
The result is women agreeing to things before they've had time to think clearly, before they've had proper advice, before they even know what they need. And some of those decisions are very hard to undo.
The women who take time to get proper advice, understand their situation, and make considered decisions – even when that process is slower and harder – almost always end up in a better position than those who rushed. And they feel better about where they land, because they know they made informed choices.
What to do instead
Take the time you need to get proper advice and understand your situation. There are legal timeframes to be aware of – but there is a significant difference between moving at a sensible pace and being pressured into decisions you're not ready to make. If your ex is pushing you to settle quickly, that pressure itself is information. Getting it done and getting it right are not the same thing.
Mistake 5: Thinking Divorce Will Damage Your Children
This one sits close to my heart, because I hear it so often and I see the weight of it on women. The fear that by separating – by choosing themselves, by ending something that isn't working – they are doing irreparable harm to the people they love most.
But here's what the research actually tells us, and what I've seen play out in hundreds of families through Women's Divorce Academy.
Children are not primarily damaged by the fact of their parents separating. They are damaged by sustained conflict between parents.
A meta-analysis by Amato and Keith (1991) compared children from high-conflict intact families with children from divorced families, and found that children living with sustained parental conflict scored lower on measures of psychological adjustment and self-esteem than children whose parents had separated. The conflict is the problem – not the separation itself.
What children need most is at least one stable, present, loving parent. A mother who stays in something that makes her miserable, believing it protects her children, is often not able to be that parent.
What to do instead
Focus on being that stable, calm presence for your children. Communicate with them honestly and in an age-appropriate way. Don't put them in the middle. Model what it looks like to make hard decisions with courage and dignity. And trust that children are more resilient than we fear – particularly when they have a parent who is doing the work to stay well, present, and grounded.
There Is Light at the End of This
Every one of these mistakes comes from a good place – from wanting to be fair, to be kind, to protect the people you love. Knowing about them gives you a chance to do things differently.
And if you need a final reason to believe there is light at the end of this – the research is genuinely on your side.
An Australian study from the University of South Australia and the University of Adelaide, tracking over 1,400 women using data from the Australian Longitudinal Study on Women's Health, found that within three to four years of separation, women's life satisfaction returned to where it was before the split – and then kept climbing, eventually exceeding that of women who had remained in long-term relationships.
A separate study out of Kingston University London, which followed 10,000 people over 20 years, found women reported a significant increase in contentment for up to five years after ending their marriage – despite the financial challenges divorce brings.
This is not a promise it will be easy. It won't be. But the evidence says you will be okay. And from everything I see every day inside Women's Divorce Academy, I believe it.
If any of this resonated with you, we’d love to see you inside our WDA Circle.
We help women move through divorce with clarity, community, and steady support.
You don't have to figure this out alone.
I talked about these 5 mistakes on an episode of my podcast Divorce With Carolyn. You can listen to the full episode on your favourite platform by following this link.
Amato, P.R. & Keith, B. (1991). Parental divorce and the well-being of children: A meta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin, 110(1), 26–46.
Arcangeli, O., Ejova, A. et al. (2024). Does Time Heal All Wounds? Life Satisfaction Trajectories in Australian Middle-Aged Women Before and After Relationship Dissolution. Journal of Happiness Studies. DOI: https://doi.org/10.1007/s10902-024-00853-5
Clark, A.E. & Georgellis, Y. Kingston University London / CRESS. Longitudinal study of 10,000 UK residents over 20 years.
