5 divorce mistakes women make (and what to do instead)
If you're going through separation or divorce right now, this one's for you. And if you're not yet but you're thinking about it – it's especially for you.
After seven years running Women's Divorce Academy, walking alongside hundreds of women through separation and divorce, and interviewing family lawyers, psychologists, and financial advisers as part of my work as a journalist – plus living through this myself, twice – I've seen the same patterns emerge again and again.
These aren't mistakes women make because they're careless or uninformed. They make them because they're doing their best in an overwhelming situation, without the information they need. Nobody tells you this stuff. And when you're in the middle of it, it's almost impossible to see clearly.
The good news? Knowing about these mistakes – before you make them – puts you in a completely different position. Here are the five I wish I could flag for every woman before she walks into this process.
Mistake 1: Taking Legal Advice from Your Ex
This comes up constantly. And I understand why it happens. When you first separate, there's often a part of you that wants to believe it will be civilised – that you can work it out between you. Maybe your ex is being reasonable, even thoughtful about it. The instinct to trust that makes sense.
But here's the thing: even a reasonable ex is not a lawyer. And even a well-meaning ex is, consciously or not, looking out for their own interests.
Inside Women's Divorce Academy, I've spoken to women who were told by their ex that 50/50 was the only option. That they weren't entitled to any of his superannuation. That the house had to be sold immediately. That this was just how it worked.
They believed it – because he said it with such confidence, and because they didn't know any different. Some of them signed agreements before they ever spoke to a lawyer.
Your ex telling you what's fair is a little like a fox offering security advice on your henhouse. They might not be lying. But they are definitely considering their own needs first.
What the law actually says
Australia
Under the Family Law Act 1975, property settlement in Australia considers far more than whoever paid for what. It takes into account both financial and non-financial contributions – including years spent caring for children or managing a household – plus future needs, future earning capacity, and what a just and equitable outcome looks like for both parties given their specific circumstances.
USA
In the US, the law similarly recognises non-financial contributions to a marriage – though how this plays out depends heavily on your state. Whether you're in a community property state or an equitable distribution state, what your ex tells you about what you're entitled to is not legal advice. An independent family law attorney in your state is the only person who can tell you what your situation actually looks like.
UK
In England and Wales, the same principle applies – the law does not simply reward whoever earned more. Under the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973, courts consider contributions to the family including unpaid work like raising children and managing the home. In Scotland, the Family Law (Scotland) Act 1985 governs financial settlements, with a focus on assets built up during the marriage. In both jurisdictions, getting independent legal advice early is essential.
USA
In the US, the law similarly recognises non-financial contributions to a marriage – though how this plays out depends heavily on your state. Whether you're in a community property state or an equitable distribution state, what your ex tells you about what you're entitled to is not legal advice. An independent family law attorney in your state is the only person who can tell you what your situation actually looks like.
None of these is a simple formula. And the gap between what your ex says you're entitled to and what you're actually entitled to can be significant.
What to do instead
Get independent legal advice as early as you can. It doesn't have to be expensive. Many family lawyers offer a fixed-fee initial consultation – and even a single session puts you in a completely different position. If cost is a concern, Legal Aid services are available in every state and territory in Australia.
Knowledge is power. In this process, it is also money, security, your future.
Mistake 2: Making It Your Responsibility to Keep Things Nice
Many of the women I work with have spent years – sometimes decades – managing the emotional temperature of their relationship. Keeping the peace. Absorbing conflict. Softening their own needs so that everything stayed comfortable. And when separation happens, they just keep doing it.
So they respond to every message immediately, even the hostile ones. They agree to things they're not comfortable with because the alternative feels confrontational. They take responsibility for how their ex is feeling, how he's coping, how he's managing. And in doing all of that, they run themselves into the ground.
This pattern has a name. Research on what's often called "emotional labour" – the unpaid, unrecognised work of managing the feelings and comfort of others – shows it falls disproportionately on women, and continues well beyond the relationship itself. A 2019 study published in the American Sociological Review found women perform significantly more emotional labour in heterosexual partnerships, and this disparity rarely disappears at separation.
I'm not saying be aggressive. I'm not saying manufacture conflict. But there is a real difference between keeping things functional and keeping things nice. And the pursuit of nice often costs women enormously – in energy, in mental health, and sometimes in the quality of their settlement.
What to do instead
Shift your goal. The goal is not ‘nice’ – it's ‘workable’. That might look like:
Communicating in writing where possible, so there's a record and you have time to think before you respond
Not responding to messages late at night when your nervous system is already depleted
Setting response windows – for example, only checking co-parenting messages during business hours – rather than being always available
Getting clear on what you actually need, not what keeps everyone else comfortable
If communication with your ex is particularly difficult, apps like OurFamilyWizard or Talking Parents are designed specifically for co-parents who need a documented, managed communication channel.
You are allowed to have needs in this process. You are allowed to take up space. And looking after yourself is not the same as being difficult.
I talked about these 5 mistakes on an episode of my podcast Divorce With Carolyn. You can listen to the full episode on your favourite platform by following this link.
Mistake 3: Thinking 50/50 Is Fair
This might be the one that costs women the most financially. Because it sounds so reasonable. Split everything down the middle – what could be more equal than that?
But equal and fair are not the same thing.
Australia
Under Australian family law, property settlement takes into account far more than who earned what. The Federal Circuit and Family Court of Australia uses a multi-step process that considers both financial and non-financial contributions – including years spent out of the workforce or in part-time work to raise children. It also considers future earning capacity, the length of the relationship, superannuation, and what a just and equitable outcome looks like for both people given their specific circumstances.
USA
In the United States, property division laws vary significantly from state to state. Nine states – including California, Texas, and Arizona – are "community property" states, where assets acquired during the marriage are generally split 50/50. The remaining states follow "equitable distribution" principles, meaning assets are divided fairly but not necessarily equally, with courts considering factors like the length of the marriage, each spouse's income and earning potential, and contributions to the household including unpaid caregiving work.
UK
In England and Wales, the court's starting point for dividing matrimonial assets is broadly equal – but that's a starting point, not a rule. Under the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973, judges have wide discretion and apply a "fairness" test that considers factors including the length of the marriage, each party's financial needs, earning capacity, contributions (including non-financial ones like raising children), and the welfare of any children. Scotland operates under a separate system – the Family Law (Scotland) Act 1985 – which focuses primarily on the value of assets built up during the marriage, with a stronger presumption of equal sharing of matrimonial property.
If you're based outside Australia, the UK, or the US, the principles are broadly similar in many countries – but the specifics vary enormously, and getting independent legal advice in your own jurisdiction is essential before agreeing to anything.
I've spoken to women who were told by their ex they weren't entitled to any of his super – and who believed it, agreed to it, and walked away leaving significant money on the table.
The superannuation gap is real
This matters enormously.
Australia
According to the Association of Superannuation Funds of Australia (ASFA), women retire with, on average, significantly less superannuation than men – a gap driven in large part by time out of the workforce for caregiving. Superannuation is a marital asset under Australian law and can be split as part of a property settlement. Yet many women don't know this, or are told by their ex that it's "his" super.
The Australian Institute of Family Studies (AIFS) has produced extensive research on the long-term financial impact of divorce on women, particularly those who have been primary carers. The financial disparity is real, it is well-documented, and it makes getting proper advice even more important.
USA
In the US, retirement accounts – including 401(k)s, IRAs, and pension plans – are generally treated as marital property and can be divided in divorce. The mechanism for dividing workplace retirement accounts is a Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO). As with Australia and the UK, many women are unaware they have a claim on their spouse's retirement savings, particularly in states where the account is held solely in one partner's name.
UK
In the UK, pensions are treated as a matrimonial asset and can be divided at divorce through a process called pension sharing. Many women don't realise this is an option – or that the pension gap between men and women in the UK is significant, particularly for women who took time out of the workforce to raise children. A pension sharing order, pension attachment order, or pension offsetting arrangement can all be considered as part of a financial settlement.
If you're based elsewhere, retirement assets are recognised as divisible marital property in many countries – but the rules around how they're split differ, so it's worth asking a family lawyer in your jurisdiction specifically about this.
What to do instead
Do not agree to any split – of assets, of super, of anything – before speaking to a family lawyer about your specific situation.
What your ex tells you about what's fair is not legal advice. What your friend got in her settlement is not your settlement. Your situation is your situation, and you deserve to understand it fully before you agree to anything.
Australia
If cost is a barrier, National Legal Aid offers free or low-cost family law services across Australia.
USA
In the US, LawHelp.org can connect you with free and low-cost legal aid services in your state, and many state bar associations run lawyer referral programs with reduced-fee initial consultations.
UK
If cost is a barrier in the UK, Civil Legal Advice provides free and confidential legal advice for family matters to those who qualify, and Rights of Women offers free legal advice specifically for women navigating family law issues.
Mistake 4: Rushing to Get It Over and Done With
I understand this one personally. The uncertainty of separation is one of the hardest things to sit with. Every day that things are unresolved feels like a day you can't move forward. And some exes apply enormous pressure to settle quickly – sometimes because they genuinely want it resolved, and sometimes because a quick settlement suits them.
The result is women agreeing to things before they've had time to think clearly, before they've had proper advice, before they even know what they need. And some of those decisions are very hard to undo.
What happens when you rush
Consent orders, once made, are legally binding. While there are limited grounds on which they can be set aside – fraud, duress, or a significant change in circumstances – the bar is high, and revisiting a settlement you've already signed off on is expensive, difficult, and not guaranteed to succeed.
There are also time limits to be aware of.
Australia
Under Australian family law, you generally have 12 months from the date your divorce is finalised (or two years from the breakdown of a de facto relationship) to apply to the court for a property settlement. The Federal Circuit and Family Court of Australia has more information on these timeframes. These limits mean you shouldn't wait indefinitely – but they also mean you're not required to rush.
USA
In the US, time limits for property division claims vary by state – some states require financial matters to be resolved as part of the divorce proceedings themselves, while others allow a period of months or years afterward. Missing your state's deadline can mean losing your right to claim entirely, so it's worth checking the rules in your jurisdiction early.
The women who take time to get proper advice, understand their situation, and make considered decisions – even when that process is slower and harder – almost always end up in a better position than those who rushed.
UK
In England and Wales, you have no strict time limit to bring a financial claim after divorce – but delay can count against you, and courts have discretion to refuse late applications. The general guidance is to resolve financial matters as part of, or shortly after, the divorce process itself. In Scotland, you have one year from the date of divorce to make a financial claim.
What to do instead
Take the time you need to get proper advice and understand your situation. There is a significant difference between moving at a sensible pace and being pressured into decisions you're not ready to make.
If your ex is pushing you to settle quickly, that pressure itself is information. Ask yourself: why does a quick resolution suit them so well? Getting it done and getting it right are not the same thing.
Inside WDA Circle – our membership community – we talk about this a lot. Slowing down, getting clear, and making informed decisions is one of the most protective things you can do for your long-term financial future.
Mistake 5: Thinking Divorce Will Damage Your Children
This one sits close to my heart, because I hear it so often and I see the weight of it on women. The fear that by separating – by choosing themselves, by ending something that isn't working – they are doing irreparable harm to the people they love most.
But here's what the research actually tells us, and what I've seen play out in hundreds of families through Women's Divorce Academy.
Children are not primarily damaged by the fact of their parents separating. They are damaged by sustained conflict between parents.
A meta-analysis by Amato and Keith (1991) compared children from high-conflict intact families with children from divorced families, and found that children living with sustained parental conflict scored lower on measures of psychological adjustment and self-esteem than children whose parents had separated. The conflict is the problem – not the separation itself.
What children need most is at least one stable, present, loving parent. A mother who stays in something that makes her miserable, believing it protects her children, is often not able to be that parent.
What to do instead
Focus on being that stable, calm presence for your children. Communicate with them honestly and in an age-appropriate way. Don't put them in the middle. Model what it looks like to make hard decisions with courage and dignity. And trust that children are more resilient than we fear – particularly when they have a parent who is doing the work to stay well, present, and grounded.
There Is Light at the End of This
Every one of these mistakes comes from a good place – from wanting to be fair, to be kind, to protect the people you love. Knowing about them gives you a chance to do things differently.
And if you need a final reason to believe there is light at the end of this – the research is genuinely on your side.
An Australian study from the University of South Australia and the University of Adelaide, tracking over 1,400 women using data from the Australian Longitudinal Study on Women's Health, found that within three to four years of separation, women's life satisfaction returned to where it was before the split – and then kept climbing, eventually exceeding that of women who had remained in long-term relationships.
A separate study out of Kingston University London, which followed 10,000 people over 20 years, found women reported a significant increase in contentment for up to five years after ending their marriage – despite the financial challenges divorce brings.
This is not a promise it will be easy. It won't be. But the evidence says you will be okay. And from everything I see every day inside Women's Divorce Academy, I believe it.
If any of this resonated with you, we’d love to see you inside our WDA Circle.
We help women move through divorce with clarity, community, and steady support.
You don't have to figure this out alone.
I talked about these 5 mistakes on an episode of my podcast Divorce With Carolyn. You can listen to the full episode below, or on your favourite platform by following this link.
Amato, P.R. & Keith, B. (1991). Parental divorce and the well-being of children: A meta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin, 110(1), 26–46.
Arcangeli, O., Ejova, A. et al. (2024). Does Time Heal All Wounds? Life Satisfaction Trajectories in Australian Middle-Aged Women Before and After Relationship Dissolution. Journal of Happiness Studies. DOI: https://doi.org/10.1007/s10902-024-00853-5
Clark, A.E. & Georgellis, Y. Kingston University London / CRESS. Longitudinal study of 10,000 UK residents over 20 years.
